


Rambles In An Empty Chatroom

by draconicPeacekeeper



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Butter, Rambling, Rose and Kanaya are MARRIED guys, TT: Karkat's similarities to me indicates that Dave blah blah, dave is gay and rose and karkat are weirdly similar, married, milk in a microwave, more characters to come! - Freeform, rose wat r u doing, that tag was longer but ao3 wont let me type it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-12
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2019-01-16 08:07:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12338757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/draconicPeacekeeper/pseuds/draconicPeacekeeper
Summary: what do the homestuck characters talk about when there's no one to talk to?everything.they talk about everything.somebody please make them shut up.





	1. Unbelievable (John)

EB: hey! It’s john!

EB: i’m uh… i’m not actually sure what i’m supposed to say right now?

EB: i was just kind of told to talk?

EB: which is actually kind of a suspicious request now that i think about it.

EB: but um, that’s not important!

EB: what’s important is the talking!

EB: talking!

EB: that i’m doing!

EB: right now!   
EB: yep!

EB: that uh, that sure is what’s going on at the moment!

EB: hahaha

EB: haha

EB: ha

EB: …

EB: god this is so boring.

EB: it’s like watching paint dry.

EB: have you ever tried to watch paint dry?

EB: it’s soooooooo boring.

EB: but also sort of weirdly captivating at the same time?

EB: is that weird?

EB: is it weird to think that paint looks kinda cool when it dries?

EB: i mean, i don’t know why that would be weird.

EB: that’s kinda funny. cause you know, i’m a god with wind powers and all my other friends are also gods and we created a freaking universe and killed a chess god that one time and we have awesome alien friends and stuff.

EB: but somehow i still feel weird for thinking that paint looks cool when it dries.

EB: hahaha.

EB: oh, hey! speaking of our alien friends, they’re so weird and freaky but like, in a good way.

EB: this one time karkat ate a stick of butter.

EB: just, an entire stick of butter.

EB: he didn’t even put it on anything.

EB: he just. he just shoved a whole stick of butter into his mouth

EB: karkat. karkat bro. dude. pal. amigo. companion. buddy o’ mine.

EB: please do not do that, it cannot possibly be good for you.

EB: i mean, i think?

EB: i guess i don’t actually know all that much about troll anatomy.

EB: huh.

EB: maybe… maybe that is healthy for him.

EB: maybe trolls are supposed to shove entire sticks of butter into their mouths.

EB: you know what, i’m gonna go ask kanaya.

EB: ...what.

EB: okay so, apparently trolls don’t even have butter.

EB: kanaya doesn’t have any idea what i’m talking about.

EB: do you think i should tell her?

EB: oh.

EB: oh, she said that it “Sounded Rather Familiar” and now she’s off to get ...something.

EB: if she comes back holding a jar of “Troll Butter” made from like, bugs or something, that would be hilarious.

EB: oh here she is!

EB: what the

EB: i have no idea what this is.

EB: it’s some sort of cream but it’s… not exactly yellow?

EB: it’s so many different colors!

EB: there’s like four different shades of green and blue and greenish-blue but there aren’t even any orange or red ones!

EB: the closest thing is this really dark reddish-brown one?? Weird.

EB: ...it tastes. it tastes exactly like butter.

EB: wow.

EB: i, uh…

EB: i can’t believe it’s not butter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm practicing characterization. Do you think my John sounds right?


	2. A Cup Of Microwaved Milk (Rose)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oh god this is super short but my mom's making me sleep. this is necessary, mom. why sleep when I can write rose ranting about the nuances of milk in a microwave?

TT: Do you think milk gets warm if it’s microwaved?

TT: I mean, obviously that is the most direct conclusion.

TT: And it would be ridiculous if anything else were to happen.

TT: But I believe there is still a slight chance the cup could, say.

TT: Explode.

TT: This is a theoretical question, by the way.

TT: I am clearly not enough of an idiot to stick a cup of milk into a microwave whilst being unaware of what could happen.

TT: Haha. No. Of course not.

TT: But if I did, which I didn’t, I’m just wondering...   
TT: Which hypothetical button would I hypothetically press?   
TT: Hypothetically.

TT: It’s the beverage one, correct?   
TT: I mean, I don’t know what other button it would be.

TT: The popcorn button??? Hahaha. Ha. Ha…

TT: Hmm.

TT: Now I’m wondering what  _ would  _ happen.

TT: Do you think I should run a sort of, shall we say, experiment?

TT: Obviously I won’t, but…

TT: I do wish to know what the results of such an experiment would be.

TT: Are there, in fact, any conditions under which a microwave could cause a cup of milk to explode instead of simply warming it?

TT: And what would such conditions be? How extreme the explosion?

TT: These are truly questions you need to ask yourself to move up in the world.

TT: Oh, my milk is done.

TT: Do you think I should make one for Kanaya, as well?

TT: What if she didn’t approve of it, though? What if she found it distasteful?

TT: That would be awful. I can’t make a cup of microwaved milk for my wife if it’s  _ distasteful. _

TT: You know what, it’s too risky. I’m not doing it.

TT: ...Dave would probably like one, though. Hmm.


	3. The Strudel Is In (Dave)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The title is a pun on "dave strudel" and the phrase "the doctor is in", which in itself is a joke about doctor who as a little nod to time travel and stuff idk

TG: sup dorks

TG: it me dave strudel 

TG: nonstop rambler or so says my sister

TG: oh wait im sorry i mean so PROCLAIMS my sister

TG: i forgot rose is allergic to any words that arent pretentiously pretentious and junk

TG: well to her i say ha freaking ha

TG: we all know she rambles just as much as i do perhaps even more

TG: huh

TG: its probably genetic

TG: i mean i know dirk rambles but the question is whether roxy rambles

TG: does roxy ramble

TG: man i hope roxy rambles

TG: cause if it is genetic ill have so much to lord over john you dont even know

TG: like the next time he tells me to shut up ill just go oh YEAH john

TG: well guess what

TG: its not MY fault its your fault for being so bad at ectobiology

TG: so suck on that john

TG: suck

TG: on

TG: that

TG: suck on that like a lollipop

TG: like someone about to get high on freaky green alien candy

TG: all sugared up and colorful and eyyurgh

TG: god i still remember rose and kanayas wedding

TG: what a nightmare i mean jesus CHRIST

TG: heh

TG: you know if rose was reading this shed totally read too much into the amount of capital letters im regurgitating all over the place

TG: all like well dave this is clearly a sign that youve been spending way too much time around one nubby horned friend of ours

TG: and then id turn to her real slow

TG: just like the actors in johns trashy flicks

TG: and go well DUH rose

TG: hmm

TG: are rose and karkat friends

TG: i mean i assumed they were but i dont actually know for sure

TG: man its too bad if they arent

TG: i bet theyd have the best conversations

TG: theyre both snarky and competitive and know too many big words

TG: plus theyre always weirdly aggressive

TG: i mean jesus christ can they relax for like a second

TG: but if you ever tell them that theyll take it as a personal insult

TG: or else theyll just freaking take your brain apart piece by piece and use it to destroy you because apparently theyre just that good at seeing right through you

TG: you know what on second thought maybe they shouldnt be friends

TG: the universe just cant handle that much energy in one place

TG: it would probably explode or something idk

TG: and i dont want it to explode i spent too much time on this piece of trash gdi

TG: you know i should probably talk to kanaya

TG: i mean if rose would get along with my bf whos to say i wouldnt get along with hers

TG: her wife i mean

TG: obviously rose doesnt have a bf that would be stupid

TG: i wonder if id like kanaya

TG: i did have that one conversation with her when i was like thirteen

TG: that was fun

TG: man you know what

TG: imma go talk to her now

TG: strider out


End file.
